An Affirmation of Gratitude ~ 3 Things

Three things I am thankful for today.
The first goes without saying and will always be #1. The health and life of my family.
When I was due with my 2 year old, I belonged to a message board that had sections for people due round the same time. I got to know these women online quite well. Going through the ups and downs of our pregnancies together.
One of the women had her baby. A beautiful baby boy. Dark hair and rosebud lips. He was born no longer alive. He has passed during his birth... into death.
We were all heartbroken for her and her husband. Of course, we could not be as heartbroken as they were.
I have thought of her often in the past two+ years.
During the last bit of pregnancy, I thought of her little one, and her, almost daily. I realized how very fragile life is. Not that I did not have an appreciation of it before... but it really hit home.
When my turn came, and my son was born easily into the world via a super simple c-section, I was so relieved. So glad that he was alive and that I could watch him breathe and blink and cry.
I felt the same when my last one was born as well.
And daily I am still so thankful that I have five beautiful children. I am appreciative.
Today I went to the little one's site. His parents had made a site for him while she was pregnant, just as I did while I was pregnant. We used the same site, I got the idea from her, when she first shared the link to her site. Pregnancy pictures, ultrasound pictures, pictures of the nursery... and then a picture of her holding his darling little blue body in her arms. She looks grief stricken, shocked, but still glowing through it all... she brought her little man into the world the best she could. It was not her fault that during the process, his umbilical cord did not provide him with the oxygen he needed to continue life.Her husband looks like he had been crying also, but he is smiling and looking like a proud dad.
They got to know him for nine months. And it seemed completely right that they should have their first picture with their darling one.

Yes. I am grateful for the lives of my ones I have brought to life.

#2 I am grateful for the roof over my head.
I truly am. I am so grateful that my mother bought a home as an investment that my husband and I pay mortgage on. We have a stable home for at least 5 years. I have rented all my life, since I moved out at 16. Finally at 35 the renting game is over. With five children it is REALLY nice to have that stability. Home ownership these days is difficult. Canada is NOT the easiest place to buy a home, especially on the west coast .

#3 Well, I am grateful that my path has led me where I am spiritually. I am glad that through the Craft, I have been able to find my way to the Divine. I had given up on religion. Decided to take on 'spirituality' instead. I tossed out ideas of the bible and Jesus and was happy as a Neo-Pagan. Although it provided much room to grow, I was lacking that connection still. No deity called my name. I felt no drawing to a patron God or Goddess.... then through discovering Gnosticism I was awakened to the Christ and Sophia within, and from that point onward, I have begun a wonderful journey. One that will lead me home. I have been homesick all my life, and did not know why. I did not know where I was longing for. Now I do. Still a Witch, but one with some direction now ;)

Love and Light to all.

Just Another Blog Entry

Well, we did some researching and had some estimates done and decided on a heat pump. It was installed today, a Bryant 15 or 16 SEER (cant remember off hand, I just know it qualified for the grant). It's quite quiet actually and came with a nifty new thermostat.
What was REALLY interesting is that the electrician wanted to access the crawlspace under the house, to get to the ductwork, and lo and behold there was a foot of water down there! The whole crawlspace, that we have NEVER looked at before was flooded. It's a pond down there people!
So, I called the only plumber we knew out here and he came out almost right away and fixed the broken main water faucet. It somehow had acquired a hole in it. Odd.
Probably had been leaking for close to a year? I had never heard it because we always have the dehumidifier fan going from the furnace, so it tends to mask all other quieter sounds such as that.
Now, 6 hours later, the water main is fixed, and hopefully the water is draining out. It's a cement floor... and had been leaking for quite some time, so obviously there is an escape route for it somewhere, or we would have had a soaking wet basement. The heat pump is also installed, so now we will have not only less expensive heating during the cooler months, but air conditioning during the dreaded summer months.
I'm quite happy about that.
Neither child is sleeping right now. The older one is still talking to himself in his crib, and the younger one woke pre-maturely from his sleep. Both were quiet when I STARTED typing this... but no longer.
My sleep last night was a bit cruddy, though that could have been complicated by the coffee I made at ten thirty in the evening.
Possibly.
It never used to keep me awake at night, but my caffeine levels were lower, so I guess it was a bit of a shock to my system.
My daughter came home from school today saying she doesn't have to see her once a week counselor today. 'Yay!' I thought, and then she followed it up with 'She wants me to go get assessed at mental health to see what's wrong with me.' *sigh*
Background:
They did what is called a Psycho-Educational Assessment for her last year at the end of Grade 10. She has always had learning issues, but is a sweet, awesome kid, especially considering she just turned 17. She almost completely lacks the stereotypical attitude of teenage girls.
We chat quite a bit, she is quite open, but school has always been a nightmare for her. She has passed every year up until last year, mainly because the teachers really liked her and felt bad about holding her back. However this has led to a lot of academic issues.
The Psych Assess is to see how she learns, and what parts of her thought process are adequate... and what parts are lacking or need further examination. How is her memory? What kind of memory does she have? Is she ADHD, ODD, Depressed or suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder?
Well, I figured they would give her a big thumbs up to ADD, because she has a hard time remembering what she is saying from one sentence to the next, stares off into space while talking and gets totally distracted... she jokes about them being her blonde moments.
She has major heart surgery as a young toddler and prior to the surgery went without oxygen due to Tetralogy of Fallot, so we often thought the learning disturbances were related to that.
Along with her assessment, they ask a bunch of questions related to the above issues, ADHD, ODD etc... and they asked her teacher and myself.
I was quite shocked when the school called me to tell me she was severely depressed according to her answers.
The odd thing is, she was JUST as shocked as I was.
Now, my daughter is the one that sits with us, talks with us, giggles about everything, reaches out to people, and is the most emotionally mature out of my three older ones. So, given her difficulty with schoolwork, I assumed she probably misunderstood the line of questioning in regards to the tests.
But immediately she was rushed to Child and Youth Mental Health for an evaluation and then put into a group program with activities such as hiking, and a weekly counselor that would pick her up from school and take her to Tim Hortons.
Now the WHOLE time this has been going on, and prior, I have been BEGGING for help for my 15 year old son who smokes pot, has recently got tossed out of the last school he could go to, has anger issues, Oppositional Defiancy Disorder as diagnosed by a psych a few years back and much more.
We are on a wait list for a counselor, and a wait list for home visits with a one on one counselor.
My son has a horrid self image and is easily frustrated, but instead of showing his sadness through tears, it comes out in rage.
WHY THE HECK is HE being put on the back burner while my daughter skips happily from counselor to counselor, enjoying her Tim Horton's coffee and doughnut?
Yes, I call and talk to everyone involved.
But she is considered at risk because of the way she answered questions. And my son is just considered behaviourally challenged.
I asked her why she needs to be assessed again, thinking that maybe its because the counselor has realized she's fine. And my daughter said 'Well, I know there's something wrong with me. I just feel like there is something not right' When I push it, she tells me that people irritate her, and then gives me an example... and I say 'Well hon, they ARE irritating! Your feelings are 100% normal! You have a brother that drives you nuts, a father who just got off drugs and irritates you to death (we havent been together in 15 years), we don't have alot of money, in fact, almost none, and you have horrible allergies that even medication isnt helping and the sneezing and runny nose is keeping you from getting the p/t job you want. There is NOTHING wrong with you babe! You are just emotionally reacting to a tough deal! Your head is just fine, it's your life that is messing with you a bit. Get some counseling to help you figure out how to deal with stuff if you need, but please don't think there's anything wrong with you. We all feel a bit screwy sometimes, especially when life itself is often screwy.'
She ponders this a bit and says... 'Yeah, but well, THEY think there's something wrong with me'
gah.
She never thought she EVER had problems before... but now she is sure she is insane.
Meanwhile, my son, who is very obviously disturbed, is going without help. And we have been begging ALL the right people.
It doesn't make sense.

Blessed Imbolc/Candlemas

The light is returning. Every day it takes longer for the sun to set. I love it.
With this renewal of light, evident in the warmer air, and vibrational hum of the awakening earth, comes an awakening from within as well.
Of course, we all know that from the Winter Solstice onward, the days are spiraling outward again, but it's not until about this time that we really feel it.
For me, this time of year is definitely about the real beginning of spiritual growth.Time for action. The composting of my thoughts and ideas over the past few months has given way to an emergence of love for myself, and for the Divine, and now, more than ever I feel ready to physically put that in motion.

As for the parenting aspects of my life, well what can I say. The older three are behaving as older children do, somewhat self indulgent, self absorbed, but they are well. My fifteen year old is finishing grade nine at home right now however. The school thought it best. When he finishes grade nine (PLEASE let it be soon!) then he can continue on at an adult ed center. His school is done with him. As all his previous schools were.

The two littlest ones are growing so darn quickly. Bigger D is finally talking. He said "I wub woo Papa" to my husband. (I love you Papa - for those not used to two-year old lingo). He sings along now with some of the kids shows on Treehouse, and he knows all the catch phrases in Diego and Dora, lol. He has been playing with Little D, and little D is running about all over the place now.

Bigger D was playing with playdough tonight and put the ears, hair, feet etc all in the right place. Little things like this amaze me. The first three kids went through it, but being as young as I was and wrapped up in alot of personal drama, I did not pay as much attention to it.
I didn't realize how fast they grow. I didn't realize how lucky I was to be witness to the growth of these people.
hmm...

Well, I'd make it longer, but it is almost 1am, and I want to get a quick work out in before bed. Paxil is known as a real weight gainer and I'm REALLY trying not to fall victim to that.

Much love to anyone who reads this. May the rays of the returning light comfort your spirit and inspire you to connect to your Divine within.

Looks like Winter Left Early -Jan 19 2010

If the weather could be like today all year round, how enjoyable that would be. Warm but not at all hot, slight breeze, sun shining.... Well, ok, in all honesty, I enjoy the rain and storms sometimes also, but temperature-wise it was just delightful.
Today, after our walk, we poked about the garden and sure enough, spring had found its way there!!!
Our lilac tree is in bud, and little green tops of crocuses or grape hyacinth are popping through. The twisted hazel has new growth and leaf buds, as does both elderberry bushes.
Early spring is only matched in love from me by early autumn.
At least this year though, I won't have to detest summer so much. It will no longer be 39 degrees in our house, because we are getting a heat pump/cooling system :D Yippee! I'm so thrilled. No more heatstroke from multiple nights spent unable to cool down, and a better heating alternative for cooler nights. (nights above 0. For nights below 0, the furnace will kick in and do its thing)
I was playing with clay last night and made a little teraphim for my altar. It is a conjoined Mother/Father God . It started out as a female and male figure, but then I decided to blend them into one another. They are faceless.. but have appropriate physical attributes :)


I will paint the Mother black and the Father white. Though the clay is already white, once its dry it will have the rough chalky appearance, and so white paint will look better, especially when next to black paint.
I ordered a new set of tarot cards. Navigators of the Mystic SEA. I was reading about them at Aeclectic Tarot , and they just sounded pretty neat. And the more I looked at different pictures, and read different opinions on them, the more I thought they might be nice for a personal deck.

I also got the book for the deck. It's a pretty detailed book, and I found it on eBay for 3.00.
I will stick with my Golden Dawn Magical Tarot deck for workings, as the correspondences in the Navigators deck is different as far as the Tree of Life goes. Julia Tuck (the author of the deck and cards) goes at it from Malkuth back toward Kether instead of the other way around, so I don't want to confuse myself, lol... but I think they might be an interesting deck at the very least.
I've been thinking alot lately about religious vocations. As odd as it might sound coming from a Witch, I really would like to serve the Divine of my self and my fellow brothers and sisters by being able to take on the role of a spiritual Minister/Guide/Priest. Not of the sort that you might be thinking, as after all, I do still have very mystical/esoteric and even hermetic threads of thoughts that make up my spiritual self. There are Gnostic Churches such as the AJC that are accepting of those variances, and I am going to do my best to pursue this.
From the time I first stumbled across Gnosticism at the Ecclesia Gnostica , I knew I was headed in the right direction, and since the birth of Spiral Inward and the forum , I have had the opportunity to learn more, and meet more people and one thing leads to another.
It's like having being lost, going in what seems like circles, and then suddenly recognizing landmarks - although you don't recall seeing them before. You realize that you are in a familiar place, heading in an unknown yet familiar direction.
It's a nice feeling.

Why, Hello there 2010!

The Holiday Season was far more enjoyable than I had expected. Sure, there were the bills that didn't get paid, but each child got what they really wanted and that meant alot to me. We aren't the kind of family that buys gifts all year long. Gifts are (for the most part) saved for Birthdays and Christmas. For this reason, it is important to me to try to make those days special for them... not because its ALL about the gift, but because it's cool to make their dreams come true. Feels great as a parent...right up there with keeping them safe, and making them feel loved. :)
It has definitely been a rebirth for me.
My spirit within. My divine spark. Slowly but surely, I'm carving a path for myself in the wilderness, and I think I have a direction in which to travel. Forward.
However, my moods have been still as cruddy as while pregnant. It's like I have a miniature form of bi-polar. The pendulum swings from hour to hour. Like PMS 24/7. So, I decided to do what I told myself I would never do again. Medicate myself. Paxil.
I was on Paxil quite a few years ago... 1996 I believe, til 2000? It helped me at the time for some major panic attacks and general anxiety. I remembered it helped in tapering my angst levels, so I thought maybe I'd try it again.
This time round however I am not liking the side effects. I don't recall it kicking my behind like this time. Insane hot flashes with cold sweats, complete insomnia at night... and I'm only taking 10mg.
However, I do find that I have more motivation to get things done about the house, and I do find that I am enjoying playing with the little ones more these past days. Until recently it has seemed like my brain is busy thinking about something else. Anticipating the next move, thinking about an upcoming event. So when the kids talk to me, I don't hear them. Instead I'm playing out in my head how I am going to make my new business cards, or whether or not the plants were watered.
And every little thing throws me.
I can wake up happy, do morning prayers, light candles and incense, make a tea, take my vitamins, and then Dante decides to throw his cereal on the floor, or the dog eats the garbage and suddenly I hate life. Like HATE it. From serene to utter disappointment in a heartbeat. I know alot of people go through this, but it was affecting my life. It was affecting the way I interacted with the kids.
When I was growing up I was pretty obsessive. I had to wash both hands the same number of times, I had to try the window lock 6 times before sleeping to make sure it was locked, my socks had to come up the exact same height on both legs or I would have a fit and refuse to attend school, same with my barrettes in my hair, and sleeves etc. Running my hand down the banister of the stairwell, I had to lift my hand off right at the moment I stepped off the last stair.
It was weird. I don't remember when it started entirely, and I don't remember when it ended. I know I was queen of temper tantrums and don't know that I ever entirely outgrew them.
So it occurred to me that maybe I've always had some troubles, and now that I'm not pregnant or nursing, and therfore the hormonal shifts are also back in play, that maybe I need assistance.
Hell, even trying to do a simple ritual the other day, my mind kept wandering. I was alone, doing a personal ritual to start my day, and halfway through doing a banishing pentagram I was thinking about how now that I have a new design for my business site, I should really change the design on my business cards.
I asked the doctor about ritalin. I seem to have all the symptoms my son has , and 'they' have tried to get me to medicate him with ritalin forever.But my actual family doctor is away on maternity leave and he knew nothing about adult adhd.... nor do I.
I only know what I feel, the whole 'all the channels are going at the same time' thing. Meditation? LOL... no, my brain does not shut up long enough to meditate. Most specifically the last two weeks of the month.
I was even taking vitex/chasteberry to help, along with regular multi's, omegas, calcium/mag... blah blah blah.
So, because Paxil worked for me before, at least to balance out my moods somewhat, I figured I'd try that again. AND I asked the doctor to send me to a shrink so I could discuss the issues in more detail.
It's been about two weeks, and as I said , oddly I feel more complacent. I actually was able to read today, which was great. Usually reading is just as futile as meditating. I was able to do a bit of a meditation last night also. And it felt good. (though I have to admit, the fact that I had insomnia contributed to the fact that I was such an apt meditator last night :D)
Also, I am glad to say, that at least for now, my spiritual interest does not feel squelched. I was worried that if I went on meds, that I would lose my interest in Gnosticism and Hermetics etc., but the opposite seems to be happening. I feel less obsessive over building and editing my many sites that I am always working on, but more interested in reading posts, and members blogs, and actual paper books. Actually absorbing some info.
So.... let's see how 2010 goes.
In all honesty, 2009 was lovely. I learned so many new things. Doorways opened up all about... spiralinward.com was born and I am SO happy. Terraspirit.ca had to get closed down, but went through a make over and I think will be a-ok. So, it was a good year, but I know this one can be even better if I can get my moods straightened out.
My family is happy, beautiful and well. My loved ones are safe.
I feel good. (and I bet even if the dog is eating the garbage as I write this, I will STILL feel good - just a bit grossed out.)

The Snow has Fallen

Yep. First snow fall of the year. Funny how up here in the Great White North, snow is not as commonplace as some of our friends from the south might think. Not along the southwest coast anyhow.
I bottled ten bottles of mead today. I made some labels for them with my very lacking labelling program. Moon of Akellare Mead. Our coven name.
The mead is VERY dry, and is maxed out at the 18% that our Lalvin 1118 allowed.
Hopefully, with some aging, it will taste less like mildly flavoured whiskey, and more like the honey/berry wine it should. (though I AM a big fan of whiskey, so that's okay too)
I had the reverend from Carman United Church over for tea. She's really nice. Being the eclectic Witch/Gnostic that I am, I decided that until I can get some people interested in an AJC (Apostolic Johannite Church) out this way, that I want to attend church. Not just any church, but one that can allow me the comfort of connecting with God in my own way. The United Church of Canada recently adopted A Song of Faith as "a timely and contextual statement of faith, with a view to circulation throughout the whole church for study and response while honouring the diversity of our church and acknowledging our place in a pluralistic world and in an ongoing and developing tradition of faith"....
I sort of stumbled upon it one day not long ago and thought... wow. I really like this.
Now, although it appealed to my Gnostic self, and my Witch self, I don't take to heart the term 'Creator', as I don't see the 'creator' god as the Divine God. This flawed world in which we live seems to display too much of the mark of a demiurge of sorts. This is the existence which we fell into. And I'm just trying to find my way home. When this Song of Faith calls God the Creator God, for my own mind's peace, I read it as just THE BIG GUY, the Emanator ... The Ineffable... and of course, any mention of sin, well to me, to sin merely means to Miss the Mark.. to err. So really, I can find alot of inspiration in many things I read, when I read it with my X-Ray Gnostic Goggles on ;)

Here is a part of the Song of Faith:

"Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

We also speak of God as

Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer

God, Christ, and Spirit

Mother, Friend, and Comforter

Source of Life, Living Word, and Bond of Love,

and in other ways that speak faithfully of

the One on whom our hearts rely,

the fully shared life at the heart of the universe.

We witness to Holy Mystery that is Wholly Love.

God is creative and self-giving,

generously moving

in all the near and distant corners of the universe.

Nothing exists that does not find its source in God.

Our first response to God’s providence is gratitude.

We sing thanksgiving.

Finding ourselves in a world of beauty and mystery,

of living things, diverse and interdependent,

of complex patterns of growth and evolution,

of subatomic particles and cosmic swirls,

we sing of God the Creator,

the Maker and Source of all that is.

Each part of creation reveals unique aspects of God the Creator,

who is both in creation and beyond it.

All parts of creation, animate and inanimate, are related.

All creation is good.

We sing of the Creator,

who made humans to live and move

and have their being in God.

In and with God,

we can direct our lives toward right relationship

with each other and with God.

We can discover our place as one strand in the web of life.

We can grow in wisdom and compassion.

We can recognize all people as kin.

We can accept our mortality and finitude, not as a curse,

but as a challenge to make our lives and choices matter.

Made in the image of God,

we yearn for the fulfillment that is life in God.

Yet we choose to turn away from God.

We surrender ourselves to sin,

a disposition revealed in selfishness, cowardice, or apathy.

Becoming bound and complacent

in a web of false desires and wrong choices,

we bring harm to ourselves and others.

This brokenness in human life and community

is an outcome of sin.

Sin is not only personal

but accumulates

to become habitual and systemic forms

of injustice, violence, and hatred.

We are all touched by this brokenness:

the rise of selfish individualism

that erodes human solidarity;

the concentration of wealth and power

without regard for the needs of all;

the toxins of religious and ethnic bigotry;

the degradation of the blessedness of human bodies

and human passions through sexual exploitation;

the delusion of unchecked progress and limitless growth

that threatens our home, the earth;

the covert despair that lulls many into numb complicity

with empires and systems of domination."

At Spiral Inward, a thread was posted about Jesus Outside Christianity. A blog post by a woman who had an experience in which she connected to Jesus, as a Pagan. It was a really nice read. You can check it out here A Non-Christian Experience with Jesus.

For the years I spent in the Craft, solely as a Witch, although I had alot of fun, for me it was lacking. Too much of it felt like dress up, or smoke and mirrors. Not to say it is fake, or that it feels this way for everyone... but for me it just didn't pull my spirit. No, Goddess did not talk to me, and no specific deity called my name. But when I read about Sophia and Jesus the Christ/Logos... it hit a nerve. I had been reading alot about where our ritual as Gardnerians had come from, and that led to Crowleyish stuff (not surprising, as he wrote Gardners rituals), which ended up leading me to Gnosticism. Now, working with Hermetics as a system, and Gnosticism as my spiritual belief... Wow.

That's all I can say.

I feel it. The presence of Archangels, the connection to my Chokmah and Binah and Sophia and Christ, and... The Divine. Finally. After all these years of spiritually searching, I stumbled upon the path home. I know I'm not done.. NOwhere near it, but I do know that at least I finally am BEGINNING to understand,

Who I was

What I have become

Where I was

Where I am going

From what I am being freed of

What birth is

What rebirth is

It is a bit of a slow process. But it is progress. And my heart is filled with joy. (even as the dark shadows stir unhappily at being exposed to the light)

With all these thoughts floating around in my head, I can say I am looking forward to Christmas. The return of the Sun. The re-birth of myself.

*Thanks to Father Scott+ for starting the Seven Questions Thread.

My Postage Stamp Yard

Just when I think I've adjusted to the fact that we will be living here a little while yet, I look out at my yard and begin itching to leave.
It's not EVEN that it is just so darn small, it is mostly the fact that the neighbouring houses stare down into it. We have planted a row of emerald cedars, but even if they live (I dont have the greenest thumb), it will take time for them to block out the surrounding homes.
Patience patience...I know that in a few years we can move. Something smaller, but bigger yard.
I loved the time I spent at my grandmas house growing up. She lived on Zero Avenue. Right in between the two border crossings. She had two acres. I loved all the little old houses along the road. Small but cozy. Comforting. Outside was spacious, with things growing everywhere. A little garden close to the house with things that were quickly accessible. Different gourds, broccoli and cauliflower etc. There was a greenhouse next to the small garden which had a few cucumbers in it. Toward the back half of the property were the big fields with beans and potatoes, corn and many other things. There was another greenhouse there also, and this one was Grandpas and was full of tomatoes.
As a child I loved wandering through the yard, looking at everything, and poking at everything. (some things poked back, Ouch!)...smelling cut grass and compost, hearing lawnmowers from neighbours cutting the grass, or the sound of a chainsaw cutting trees from someone's property. Birds chirping, tall trees dancing in the breeze with their leaves rustling, buzzing of small insects....
I've always wanted this.
Since growing up, I've realized how much work it is to keep a garden alive and healthy. I realize that right now I just don't have the time for it. Also, our house being the sort it is, we have to go down a long flight of stairs to get out back to our tiny yard and with two very young children, its just not so easy to really get a good gardening regime going. I would like a little kitchenette put into our recroom downstairs. There is a patio there that opens right out to the yard. Both the little ones and hubby and I sleep downstairs, and so it would be nice to just wake up, dress the kids and out we go. My friend Shannon says that it's just because I spent so many years in a basement suite, and I'm trying to re-create it. LoL. I think it's more to do that when I grew up with my grandparents, and then spent every weekend and holiday there, it was always in that one level cozy little space. It's just what I associate with comfort I suppose.
We are in a drafty, open, two level home right now. In many ways its a waste of space because of hallways and stairways that take up space and only serve to separate the home. It is absolutely not cozy. Hubby and I took over the rec room downstairs last May and now use it as a large bedroom, with both small boys in the two rooms down there. There is carpeting down there, and it is not so drafty, and I quite like it. So, once Demetrio gets sleeping consistently, we will put both boys in the one room and cram our kingsized bed in the other room, and then we will use the recroom as a living space and kitchenette. The older three can keep their upstairs rooms, and wander about freely up there :D
And then maybe, next spring, it will be easier to get out there and spend more time in my tiny little yard, a bit of gardeing, maybe some different decorations for the fence. I'll try to make it into a tiny sanctuary that can tide us over until we can move away into a smaller, cozier home with a bit more of a private yard space.
I hope that the itch to move subsides until it can be made a reality. I often wonder if I'll ever be happy anywhere. I think that I will be, I think we just haven't found the right home. I know happiness starts within and that I should just concentrate on being as happy as I can where I am, but I also know that 'We are our environment'. I want my environment to better reflect what it is that I hope to achieve on an inner level.